


Sanctuary

by MorganaNK



Category: Inspector Lynley - All Media Types, Inspector Lynley Mysteries (TV)
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-01
Updated: 2017-04-07
Packaged: 2018-10-13 17:16:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 11,199
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10518267
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MorganaNK/pseuds/MorganaNK
Summary: Your mind knows where to find sanctuary, even when it knows nothing else





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Property of Elizabeth George and the BBC, no copyright infringement intended

I brought the car to an almost violent standstill, eased myself from behind the steering wheel, and then began the slow and arduous task of walking across the car park towards the building. Every step was agony as I limped and stumbled towards my goal, cradling one arm protectively across my chest, virtually dragging my badly injured leg behind me, but my strength of will kept me going; making me put one foot in front of the other. I looked a mess, but I wasn’t conscious of that; my mind didn’t have time for insignificant and trivial thoughts such as those; just staying alive was taking all the energy and concentration that I had.

I hauled my crumbling shell through the main doors and slowly made my way over to the lift. Mercifully it was on my floor, and I made my way inside, sighing gratefully as the doors slid shut. I gingerly reached out, and with a shaking hand pressed the button that would take me to the floor that contained the CID offices. I knew where I was going, but if you had asked me I wouldn’t have been able to tell you why I was heading there. I just knew that once I got there everything would be ok. The lift started moving and I cautiously leant my back against its wall, wincing as bare abused skin made contact with the cool metal. I stared at the display, watching as the floors flashed past, and offered up a silent prayer that no one would get on between here and my final destination.

As the lift bounced to a stop and the doors slid open, I forced myself to move forward, heading towards my goal. Every part of my body screamed in protest, but I struggled onward. If people saw me then I didn’t notice their interest; I only had the strength to focus on my goal. Once I was there, once I had reached the place my mind had fixated on, well then I could rest. Until then I had to use every single ounce of my physical and mental capacity to complete my task.

As I rounded the corner my target came into view. I gazed upon it with equal parts relief and desperation; it seemed so near and yet so far. I forced myself onward, my body protesting with every step; begging me to let it rest. I ignored it; the time for rest would come when I made it through that door; until then rest could wait.

Finally my relatively uninjured hand brushed against the textured surface of the wooden door. I slid my fingers across it until I grasped the smooth metal of the handle, thankful when I felt it give. The door opened and I fell through it, pushing it to behind me. I shuffled forward a few more paces until I found myself between the corner of the room and the side of a large shelving unit, and then, drowning in a sea of pain, my energy and consciousness left me and I sank bonelessly to the floor as everything went black.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if the opening chapter confused; this one might make things a little clearer...

I let myself into my office, placing my wallet and keys onto the desk before leaning against it. Another night of insomnia; and hours spent staring at the ceiling hadn’t appealed, so I had decided to come into work and tackle the small paperwork mountain that had set up residence in my in-tray. I rubbed my eyes and then pinched the bridge of my nose; it felt as if I had a headache coming, which would be the perfect accompaniment to what was already turning into a shitty day. I pushed myself off the desk, but as I moved to sit behind it I saw something lying on the floor in the corner of the room. I stepped closer, my curiosity turning to disbelief as I realised what I was seeing; my jaw dropping in horror as I recognised just who it was lying there. It was Barbara, and she had been attacked.

I knelt beside her and felt for a pulse, and was reassured to find one beating steadily beneath her skin. As I reached for my mobile phone I took stock of her visible injuries, inwardly cringing as they soon became too many to number. It was as I was about to call for help that I became aware of a bruised and battered hand tugging gently at my wrist. I looked down at her, surprised to see one eye open through a mass of swelling, and it was staring straight at me. 

“Don’t.”

Her voice was the barest of whispers, as if it had taken every ounce of strength that she had just to give the word life. I wished more than anything that I could heed to her wishes, but she needed help, and more than I could give her. I refocused on the phone.

“Don’t” 

This time the voice was a little stronger, and the grip on my hand a little tighter.

“I need to call somebody. I need to get you help.”

She tried to shake her head; but the movement was obviously causing her agony.

“I don’t want… want help. I just need to rest… rest here a while. Safe here.”

“I’m sorry Barbara, but you need help. I promise you that I will stay with you, but we need to get you medical attention.”

She looked defeated, and my heart sank. She had already been beaten, and now I had taken away the one final part of control over her life that she had left. I was so filled with regret at having to ignore her wishes that I almost missed her murmured response.

“OK.”

As she uttered the words she passed out again, as if giving them voice had used the last remaining energy she had in her badly beaten body. Her hand still lay against my skin, but there was no strength in her grip now. Wasting no more time I called for help.

~*~

I sat beside her bed waiting for her to come round from the anaesthetic. I had insisted that she be treated in the private part of the hospital; not because she would receive a better level of care there, but because she would have more privacy and to my mind the last thing she needed in her condition were questions and pitying glances. I still didn’t understand why she had come to my office for sanctuary; why, in the condition that I had found her in, she had decided to come to me for help instead of going to the nearest A&E and how no one had intercepted her en-route, but there would be time for questions later. Right now, all that mattered was getting her the treatment that she needed.

When she had been thoroughly checked over they had found internal bleeding, as well as multiple fractures. There didn’t appear to be an inch of skin that hadn’t been injured in some way, and they had had to undertake a multidisciplinary surgery to just make her stable. From her injuries they had been able to work out some of what had happened to her; rape and a violent beating, and she would probably need more surgery down the line, but they had managed to address the most serious and life threatening of her complaints, everything else could wait until she was stronger.


	3. Chapter 3

I knew that someone was sitting beside me, I could sense them. For a moment I felt panic stricken, not sure of where I was; but as I became more alert I also became more aware of my surroundings, and I realised I was in a hospital. I opened my one cooperating eye and was surprised to see just who it was that was sitting beside my bed.

“You stayed.”

My voice was scratchy and dry, and it took a lot of effort just to force the words out.

“Of course. I told you that I would.”

“Thank you.” My voice still sounded as if I had spent the last few hours gargling gravel, probably not helped by the fact that someone had tried to choke the life out of me earlier that day.

Tommy poured me a small glass of iced water from the jug on my bedside cabinet and then gently helped me sit up to drink it. I had expected my body to freeze at his touch; after everything I had been through I didn’t think my body would welcome a man touching me again, but it didn’t. At his instructions I sipped it slowly, and then once I had finished I allowed him to settle me back against my pillows.

“Thank you.”

“You have nothing to thank me for.”

“I do,” my voice was a little stronger now, the water having helped somewhat, “you ignored my stupidity and got me help, even after I had bled out all over your office floor.”

“As I said, you have nothing to thank me for. You’re my best friend, you matter to me. And even if you weren’t and you didn’t, I did what anyone would have done under the circumstances.”

“And you stayed with me.”

He looked at me quizzically. “I told you that I would. As I said, you’re my best friend; where else would I be Barbara?”

“Sorry.”

As soon as the word left my mouth it felt hollow and meaningless; but I also couldn’t think of anything else that I could say that would have been any better.

“What on earth for?” Tommy now sounded as confused as he looked.

“For everything. For dumping all of this on your doorstep.”

Tommy ran his hands through his hair, and I recognised the emotion behind the gesture. He crouched down beside me until his face was level with mine.

“Just as you have nothing to thank me for, you have nothing to apologise to me for either. What happened to you; whoever did this to you, they are the ones who should be sorry. You came back to a place where you felt safe, where you could get help. There is no reason for you to thank me, just as there is no reason for you to apologise to me. The only thing you have to do is get well.”

“When it happened, all I could think about was getting to your office. I don’t remember much; and I certainly don’t know how I drove. My damaged mind somehow arrived at the conclusion that if I made it back to your office then I would be ok. It looks like my damaged mind was right.”

Tommy smiled; and in the back of my mind it registered that I had never seen him smile that way at anyone else, but it was a fleeting thought as sleep was already claiming me.

~*~

Tommy was still there when I next awoke, although this time he was deep in thought, tapping away furiously at his mobile phone. I stayed quiet, not wanting to disturb him or derail his train of thought.

As I watched him, I tried not to think about the events that had brought us both here. I knew that I should report what had happened, but I couldn’t find the strength or the courage to vocalise it; to put into words what that man had done to me in those thirty short minutes that I had been at his mercy. My mind was still having a hard time getting to grips with the fact that one moment I could be going back to my car after a late-night grocery shop and the next I could be begging to die so that the pain I was suffering would stop. I shuddered, and it was at that exact moment that Tommy realised I was awake.

He put his phone into his jacket pocket and turned his attention to me.

“How are you feeling?”

“Like I have been run over by an eighteen-wheeler; which is an improvement on when you found me in your office.”

“Any improvement is good; I can call someone and ask them to give you some pain relief if you are in too much discomfort.”

“No, I think I’d rather be conscious with a dull ache as opposed to pain free and a zombie.”

“OK then, as long as you are sure.”

An awkward silence then descended. This was the first time that I had been really with it since the attack had happened and, if I was really honest, I was still embarrassed by the way I had drawn him into this tragedy that was now my life. In the end though it was me that broke the silence.

“Wouldn’t you be more comfortable at home?”

“I made you a promise Barbara, and you should know by now that I keep my promises.”

My embarrassment kicked up a gear. “I free you of that promise.” As soon as I uttered the words I saw hurt flash across his face and I knew that I had been far too blunt. I hurried to explain myself. “What I mean is; I am grateful for everything that you have done for me; if it weren’t for you then I would probably have died on the floor of your office, and so I can never repay you for saving my life; but I also don’t want you to think or feel that you have to spend all of your time sitting here with me. You have your own life; and I certainly don’t expect you to put everything on hold while you sit here with me. I appreciate everything that you have done for me; I owe you more than I can ever tell you or show you or repay you for, but I don’t want to chain you down because of something that you said to a woman as she fell unconscious. So, when I said that I free you of that promise, what I meant was this, that if you have things that you should be doing, people you should be seeing, or places that you should be; then I want you to be able to go and do them with a clear conscience.”

The hurt expression didn’t leave his face; and I felt even more mortified that I was the one who had put it there.

“I’m sorry; every word I utter seems to be the wrong one. I am not for one minute saying that I am not happy that you are with me; that I am not thankful that I am not on my own after everything that has happened. If it came across that I was in any way ungrateful to you for what you have done for me then I apologise. I am not ungrateful. I guess what I am trying to say is, you didn’t ask for any of this. I made you get involved by bleeding out on your office floor. I forced your hand. You have a life, a life that I came along and disrupted, and I don’t want to cause you any more disruption than I already have. I’m saying thank you for saving my life, but don’t stop living yours because of me.”

I waited for Tommy to say something; even if it was just to shout at me, but he didn’t. Instead he just gathered up his things and left the room without as much as a backwards glance. As the door closed behind him my heart sank.

“Fuck it!” I muttered to the empty room.

~*~

I slept fitfully, the attack melding with the look on Tommy’s face as he left the room; I didn’t know which of the events was causing me more pain and my subconscious didn’t want to dwell on either of them for long enough to find out.

I awoke with a start and a yell, only to feel a hand gently take hold of mine and to hear a male voice speak calming and soothing nonsense as I slowly became aware of my surroundings. I glanced over in the direction of the chair beside my bed and, to my surprise; found Tommy was the one who was with me.

“It’s ok, you’re ok. It was just a dream.”

My chest heaved furiously as I tried to catch my breath. As the world slowly righted itself I sank back against the pillows.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

I shook my head, and immediately regretted the action as my head protested loudly.

“No, no thank you. But I could do with something for the herd of rhino currently holding a rave in my head.”

Tommy pressed the call button by my bed and, as if by magic, a nurse appeared. 

“Can you give me something, my head is killing me?”

She smiled and adjusted my automatic morphine pump.

“You should be feeling better in a little while.”

“Thank you.”

She left, and I lay quietly for a while; gathering my senses and trying to calm down. I realised that Tommy had resumed his previous position of sitting by the bed holding my hand, and I was grateful because his touch was helping ground me. After a while I managed to find my voice again.

“Thank you for being here after everything I said earlier.”

“You have…”

This time I interrupted him, because I believed that I did have something to apologise for.

“No, on this occasion you are incorrect; I do have something to apologise for. I was trying to explain and instead all I managed to do was hurt you. So, I am sorry for having all the tact and diplomacy of an elephant in hob nailed boots dancing with a bull through a china shop!”

“Apology accepted; but, and I want you to listen very carefully to this, the fact that I am here is my choice. I made you a promise and I intend to keep that promise. I don’t want you to worry about what I am doing any more. If I need to be somewhere then I will be there; but if I don’t then I will be here because I want to be here, ok?”

I smiled, knowing that I had been firmly put in my place. I also knew that I didn’t need to use any words, we had both shared our point of view and that was the end of the matter.

“Do you want to talk about what happened? Do you want to report it?”

I looked down to where our hands were joined, not trusting myself to speak. Minutes passed, although they seemed like hours, but eventually I found my voice again.

“I don’t want to because then everyone will know what I went through and then everyone will look at me differently; but I also know that I have to, because if I don’t then what happened to me could happen to someone else.”

Tommy’s voice was gentle.

“A lot of what happened to you they were able to work out from your injuries; but no one is looking at you differently because of it. If anything, people are looking at you and talking about you with admiration, because to do what you did after being so badly injured is nothing short of a miracle.”

“Adrenaline and autopilot.”

“Sorry?” Tommy looked puzzled again.

“I said adrenaline and autopilot. Those were the two things that made me do what I did; that made me capable of doing what I did and that gave me the strength to do it too. I don’t remember much about after the event; I’m not even sure how I managed to drive the car back to the station if I am honest; I just knew that I had to get away, get back to safety. Everything else is just a blur. One moment I was shopping and the next I was hoping to die because then the pain would stop.”

Tommy didn’t interrupt me; I doubt I would even have noticed if he did.

“All I could think about, when he finished, was getting to your office. I didn’t know if he was going to come back, I didn’t know if he was watching me or not; I must have lain there for a good few minutes just to be sure he was done with me, but then I made it to my feet and somehow dragged myself back to the car. Every single bit of me hurt, but none of that mattered. Your office was my goal and nothing was going to stop me from getting there.”

~*~

Barbara had asked me to be present when she spoke to the police. I didn’t question why, I just agreed. A large part of me wanted to know the full story, wanted to know the facts so that my mind would stop making things up, and another part of me hoped that it might also explain why she was behaving so out of character. Inside me there was a seething anger that someone could have treated any woman like this, that someone could have taken my best friend, a woman who was so full of life and then beaten it out of her, and enjoyed himself while doing it.

I sat quietly as she told the female detective what had happened to her, I didn’t want her to feel that I was shocked by anything that she was saying, or that I was disgusted by her. Nothing I thought of her was in any way changed by hearing about the vile and brutal attack that this pathetic excuse for a man had put her through. If anything, I admired her even more. The strength that she had shown was staggering. Her will to live had dragged her through when he thought that he had left her for dead. I hoped that the police would be able to catch up with him; the hospital staff had kept her clothing in the hope that there would be DNA evidence; and Hillier had arranged for scene of crime officers to go over her car with a fine-tooth comb. She would be getting it back, but there would be no sign of what had happened the last time she had driven it when she did.

The detective concluded the interview and thanked Barbara for her bravery. She told her that they would keep her up-to-date as the investigation progressed; a comment that made Barbara smile grimly. I saw the officer out of the room and then came back and sat down in my usual spot beside the bed.

Barbara looked at me and I could read the anxiety in her face. I immediately understood what she needed, reassurance that I didn’t think any differently of her now that I had heard what had happened, that I didn’t think any less of her. I wasn’t sure how I was going to convince her of that, even though it was the truth, as I was sure that she had already decided in her own mind that she was soiled, used, and deserved nothing but contempt for what had happened to her, for not having the strength to fight her attacker off, or to have not let it happen to her in the first place. I smiled at her and squeezed her hand gently.

“You did really well Barbara.”

“It felt odd to be on the opposite side of the interview; at least I didn’t know the detective personally, would have made drinks at the Met Christmas party a tad awkward. I’m sorry you had to sit here and hear all of that; to hear everything that I couldn’t stop him doing to me. I know that I don’t come out of it in a very flattering light.”

“Stop that; stop that right now! Nothing that you said made you look any different in my eyes. I don’t think that you did anything wrong. I don’t think that there was anything that you could have done differently. I don’t think you should shoulder any blame for what happened to you. The only person who carries the blame is the man who attacked you. You are still you in my eyes, and there is nothing that can change that. Please stop worrying about what I do or do not think of you. The fact that I am here should speak volumes and reassure you that I don’t give a damn about anything other than your well-being.”

She didn’t respond to me verbally, and it was then that I noticed tears on her cheeks. For a moment I was scared that I had offended her, or that I had gone too far in raising my voice at her. I went to apologise but she stopped me.

“No, it isn’t you. Well, it is but it isn’t anything that you have done wrong. I know it is neurotic of me, but I desperately needed to hear that someone thought that I was still me. Your opinion matters to me, and I would have hated it if you thought badly of me. So, thank you for what you said, it means a lot.”

“We need to start talking to each other instead of assuming we know what the other person is thinking.”

“I think that you make a very valid point.”

I was surprised that she had agreed so readily. Barbara was normally incredibly strong willed.

“What; no arguing?”

“No arguing, only agreeing. Why do you think I made my way to your office Tommy?”

I hid my surprise at her question. “I’ve been wondering about that.”

“I think I owe you an explanation. I knew that you wouldn’t let anything happen to me; that you would make sure that I was taken care of when I wasn’t in a position to make that kind of decision for myself. I decided to put myself completely in your hands and leave my fate up to you.” 

“I’m glad that you did, that I was able to be there for you.”

She looked up at me and smiled, and I marvelled at how relaxed she was with me. I had heard from the hospital staff that she was silent almost to the point of being mute around male health care personnel; so much so that it had been decided that she would only be attended to by female staff. I was flattered that I didn’t make her freeze up or want to run screaming to the hills; but at the same time, I was worried about her. She had refused point blank to let Stuart or Winston come and see her, the only person she seemed to enjoy interacting with was me. I knew that it was early days as far as her recovery was concerned, and that she had a long way to go both physically and mentally, but I hoped that she wasn’t shutting everyone out because of an irrational fear as to how they would react to what had happened to her. I was determined that she wasn’t going to her cut herself off from the outside world. 

“I need to try and get some sleep to see if I can ever shift this horrendous headache that seems to want to hang around indefinitely; will you be here when I wake up?”

“You rest, I’m not going anywhere Barbara.”


	4. Chapter 4

Tommy appeared to be spending every free moment with me; I began to wonder if he was ever going into work or dealing with his mother and Howenstow. I didn’t raise the subject; he had made it perfectly clear that he would do what he wanted to and that I wasn’t to worry about it; the last thing I wanted was to offend him or upset him again; he had been so very good to me.

As if I had summoned him into being, the door to my room opened and Tommy appeared.

“Hi Sir.”

He narrowed his eyes at me, but the effect was spoilt by the smile tugging at his lips.

“We’re back to sir again are we Sergeant Havers?” He winked playfully at me and I blushed. “How about you? How has your day been?”

I screwed up my nose in disgust. “They still won’t let me go home; and they have been muttering about more surgery; skin grafts on my back or something.”

He sat down next to me and took my hand in his. Once again, I was glad of the contact; his touch always seemed to ground and reassure me.

“You need to spend a lot more time recovering before you even think about putting weight on that leg of yours. You had multiple fractures, how you walked and drove is still a complete mystery, and they still don’t know if the pins and plates they put in will be successful in repairing your shattered tibia and fibula. I know patience is not your strong point, but you have to trust the doctors. If they think that you need skin grafts, then you need skin grafts; even private surgeons only cut when they have to.”

I smiled tenderly at him. He was being so caring and attentive, I just wished that the circumstances were different. Tommy was the only person I felt safe around, the only person I could let my guard down around, and that made me angry, but not at him. I was angry with myself for being so weak and emotional; I had survived the attack and I knew that I would survive anything that followed. I was also plagued with thoughts of Tommy; thoughts that both confused and comforted me. We had been colleagues and friends for years; and yet the feelings I had for him that were decidedly more than friendly were becoming more and more pronounced. I wasn’t sure how I felt about that; mainly because I wasn’t sure how he felt about me. He’d been through so much in his life; the last thing he needed was an emotionally and physically damaged woman destroying what he had so carefully rebuilt. I also didn’t feel confident enough to give voice to my feelings; I didn’t want to risk losing whatever the hell it was that he and I already shared. Was it just friendship? I wasn’t sure I could answer that question and I also wasn’t sure that I really wanted to. I had always found Tommy attractive, and he had had a starring role in my fantasies on more than one occasion; but everything was different now.

To my horror and shame I realised that I was crying, my cheeks were wet with salty tears. I turned my head away from him, hoping that he wouldn’t notice, while at the same time knowing that he would.

“Barbara? What’s wrong? Are you in pain? Do you need me to call someone?”

“I’m fine, honestly.”

He let go of my hand and fumbled in his pocket before passing me his handkerchief.

“If you want, when you are ready, I’m here to listen. You don’t have to do this on your own.”

I wiped my eyes before turning back to face him, “sorry Sir.”

“It’s Tommy.”

“What?”

“My name, it’s Tommy. You called me it the other day; and I think we’re well past calling each other sir and Havers.”

I took a deep breath, trying to centre myself.

“I’m sorry… Tommy.”

His eyes flicked around the room before returning to my face, and he smiled. “No, no fireballs or lightning bolts from above; I think we’re safe to remain on first name terms. Now, do you feel like telling me what upset you?”

“I want to talk, but not here. I’m sick of looking at these four walls. I want to go outside. I want to breathe in air that doesn’t have a side helping of hospital.”

“So, what you are saying is that you want me to help you mount an escape?”

“God yes, even if it is just for ten minutes.”

“Let me see what I can do.”

Twenty minutes later I was in a wheelchair; wrapped in blankets and, because he insisted, Tommy’s coat. I buried my nose into the collar and inhaled deeply; it smelt of him, a spicy, woody fragrance that made me feel safe, and loved.

“You ok down there?”

I nodded, keeping my face buried deep in the folds of his coat. Although they were fading, my bruises were still apparent, and I didn’t want anyone staring at me. Once we were in the hospital garden, then I would relax.

Tommy wheeled me into a corner next to a bench and then sat down next to me.

“You can come out now.”

“Don’t really want to; this coat smells of you.”

“Should I take that as an insult or a compliment?”

“A compliment;” I raised my head and looked him in the eye, “a definite compliment. When I smell your scent; a mixture of cologne and something uniquely you; I’m safe and I’m warm and I’m loved.” I realised what I had said and buried my face even deeper than I had earlier, feeling it colour up. So much for not voicing my feelings.

Tommy bent closer to me and took hold of my hand.

“You’re still scared, aren’t you?”

I let out a breath that I hadn’t realised I was holding when he chose not to mention my declaration. “Yes, and if I’m being honest then I’m scared pretty much all of the time. I never used to be. You know me; I used to be a confident woman. I wasn’t scared to be alone with a man; I didn’t find every man except for you a threat to me. I didn’t stay in the shadows, which I do now even though I am scared of them too. I am a walking disaster who is hiding how she feels underneath sarcasm, humour and bravado.”

He cradled my hand between his, rubbing it to keep it warm.

“You do know that you can talk to me; that you can say anything to me and I won’t judge you on it or take offence.”

“I know, it’s just that I also feel so bloody angry with myself for being so weak willed about it all. I shouldn’t be letting this get to me. I survived; I should be feeling the weight begin to be lifted off my shoulders but I’m not; if anything, it is getting heavier. Right now, I feel as if I am laying down like a doormat with welcome tattooed on my forehead, just begging for him or someone else to walk all over me and kick me when I am down. I am pathetic.”

Tommy shook his head. “No, you are not pathetic, you are just human. You’ve spent far too long alone with your thoughts; and they’ve done nothing but haunt you and torment you. You are also being far too hard on yourself; you were attacked, it isn’t any wonder that you are not the person that you once were. You need time to heal. This isn’t something that you get over in a heartbeat; you are going to have to work at things in order to get to a good place in your life. That’s the truth; you are not just going to wake up one morning and find that everything is fine and dandy. This could take you months to recover from, physically as well as mentally; but I want you to know this one thing; I’m not going anywhere.”

“I’m sorry Tommy; I guess I’m not that great company at the moment, I apologise for being a bit of a bitch. You are the one good thing in my life; I don’t want to lash out at you, to hurt you or offend you.”

Once again, I had given voice to my feelings, which just went to prove how really screwed up I was. I wasn’t in control of anything in my life anymore. I tried to tug my hand free from his but he wouldn’t let me.

“I think you and I need to be honest with each other Barbara. Before this happened, we were heading somewhere, our relationship was evolving, and I was happy about that. Your attack, it doesn’t change how I feel about you, and if I am right that you feel the same way about me, things don’t have to stop evolving.”

I looked up at him and frowned, “was that even English?”

“Probably not, but it made you smile. I love you Barbara, I’m completely and hopelessly in love with you.”

“You do? You are?”

He laughed gently, “now who isn’t speaking English! Yes, I do and yes I am. I want to be with you, to take care of you, laugh with you, love with you, build a life with you. I want everything this world has to offer, and I want it with you.”

He leant forward, kissing me tenderly. I didn’t hesitate, I kissed him back.

~*~

Barbara and I sat outside talking and kissing for a good couple of hours. It seemed to do her the world of good, and I made a mental note to try and help her escape at least once a week as long as her condition allowed. I was glad that she had opened up to me, and I had meant everything that I had said to her; I would be making sure that she took care of herself, and I would do my utmost to make sure that I never gave her any reason to doubt me. I wasn’t stupid; I knew that there would be times when we wouldn’t agree on things, when there would be angry words and or disagreements, we wouldn’t be us if we didn’t; but I wouldn’t walk away because of any of those things. I was in this for the long haul.

It was when I noticed that she was beginning to tire that I suggested we go back inside. She wasn’t keen, and I could fully understand why, but I gently convinced her that neither of us wanted to do anything that would set back her recovery. Once I had her settled back in her room and safely tucked up in bed, and as she was fighting to stay awake, I suggested she take a nap. Holding my hand, she drifted off to sleep.


	5. Chapter 5

After our confession in the garden, things between us improved exponentially. Tommy went with me when I had the casts removed, and I was thrilled to discover that the pins and plates had also done their job. I was going to be allowed a month to get my strength up before I underwent the plastic surgery repair job on my back, something that I had still blatantly refused to know the full facts of, there were some things that my mind really didn’t want to have to try and deal with, although I wasn’t completely stupid, and I had a good idea that what the surgeon was going to try and work on wasn’t just your standard cuts and abrasions and more along the lines of removing a creative work of art gifted to me by my attacker. Tommy knew the full extent of my injuries and it didn’t seem to repulse him, that was all that mattered to me.

Once I was mobile again I managed to convince my doctors to let me go home for a while. I had been in hospital for nearly six weeks, I thought that that was long enough by anyone’s standards. I wanted to try and go back to work, but Hillier didn’t agree, wanting me to have counselling and be seen by occupational health before he would even consider it. I was upset by this, but when Tommy and I discussed it I came to understand that Hillier was right. I still had issues with men who weren’t Tommy, but I was beginning to trust the people I came into contact with in the hospital, it was going to be outside in the real world where the real problems would lie.

It was nice to be out of the hospital. The private room had been pleasant enough, and I would be seeing it again when I had the plastic surgery, but in the end, it was still a hospital. It wasn’t home.

Tommy and I made the most of me being released. We could start doing things that normal couples did. We went out for meals, we curled up on the sofa in front of the television, not really watching it, more interested in each other. Our displays of affection became more heated; and I didn’t think it would be long before we ended up in bed together, we were definitely heading down that route, and I was surprised to find that it didn’t scare me.

~*~

It was the night before Barbara’s surgery. I had offered to take her out but she had declined, instead inviting me round to hers to spend the evening. I accepted the invitation immediately.

Since she had been discharged I had seen a transformation in the woman that I thought I knew. This Barbara was a different person, lighter, affectionate, and full of fun. She had begun to attend counselling, and it appeared to be doing her the world of good. I had respected her wishes and not discussed the surgery that the plastics specialist was due to perform on her although I had a suspicion that she knew more about what the surgeon was going to do than she let on; but even that didn’t seem to be preying on her mind. She was a happier person and I was delighted to see it.

She had given me a key to her home so that I could come and go as I wished, she also had a key to my home, although I had a feeling that one day soon we would be looking for somewhere that would be home for the both of us.

I let myself in and called out to her, “Barbara?”

“I’m in the lounge.”

I put down my coat and headed in the direction of her voice. As I pushed open the door my jaw dropped. The lounge was illuminated by a small lamp, and in the middle of the room stood Barbara. The only words I could use to describe her were breathtakingly beautiful. Her hair was down, cascading over her shoulders, her body enshrouded in a satin robe.

“Hi.” Her voice was soft and enticing.

I couldn’t find the words to describe how I was feeling. Instead I stalked towards her and pulled her into my arms. Her mouth desperately sought out mine, one of her hands playing with the hair at the nape of my neck. I tugged her closer to me, feeling her breasts against my chest, her heart pounding. When we finally had to come up for air, I rested my forehead against hers, panting heavily.

“You are sure about this?”

She grasped hold of my hips and held them firmly against hers. I could feel my erect member pressing firmly against her stomach. If she didn’t stop me soon then I wasn’t sure I would be able to turn back.

“Tell me that you are sure Barbara.”

She stood on tiptoe and kissed her way up my neck until her mouth was level with my ear.

“Take me to bed and make love to me Tommy; we’ve waited long enough.”

Her words were all the encouragement that I needed. I swept her up into my arms and headed towards the bedroom. 

~*~

I opened the car door and helped Barbara out of her seat. She was moving very carefully, and I was sure she was in more pain that she was letting on, but I didn’t press her on it, I knew that she would eventually tell me if she wanted more pain relief, but I also knew that the pain would have to become a lot worse than it currently was; she hated that the drugs knocked her out for hours at a time; as she had previously said before, she would rather be conscious than a zombie.

I let her lean on me as we made our way to the front door. We were staying at her home; I wanted her to be comfortable, and to have all her things around her as I was sure it would aid her recovery, and also help her to relax.

Once we got inside I helped her lower herself into the armchair and then went back out to the car to collect her bags. I locked the car and hurried back inside, shutting the door behind me, dropping the bags in the hallway, before making my way back into the lounge.

Barbara was sitting with a mass of cushions behind her, her head resting on the back of the chair and her eyes closed. She looked exhausted so I didn’t disturb her, hoping that she would doze off. She hadn’t had much sleep since the operation, not being able to get comfortable and being in quite a bit of pain wasn’t helping, so I decided to let her rest wherever and whenever she could.

I returned to the hall and retrieved the bags I had left there. Picking them up, I headed into the bedroom and started to unpack her overnight bag from the day before. I put all her medication on the bedside table, her clothing back in the drawers, and then put the bag away on the top of the wardrobe. Once all that was done, I headed back into the lounge.

Barbara was still resting, so I took the opportunity to check my emails to see if there was any estate business that needed my attention.

It was about an hour later when she woke. I put my laptop to one side and went and crouched down beside her.

“Hey sleepy-head, how are you feeling?”

“Did you happen to get the number of the truck that ran me over; I think that I want to sue them.”

I smiled tenderly at her.

“I can get you some more pain relief, just to take the edge off.”

She nodded, “That would be good, but it also means that I will need to eat something.”

“That’s not a problem, I can cook you something, or I can just make you some toast or heat some soup. What do you fancy?”

A wicked grin flitted across her face.

“If I wasn’t incapacitated I would show you exactly what it is that I fancy, but as I am I guess I will just have to settle for a sandwich and some soup.”

I chuckled; pleased to see her humour was still evident.

“Honestly, you are incorrigible. They say that men think about sex every hour, I reckon you put most men to shame!”

She tried to look put out.

“It’s all your fault; if you weren’t so damned gorgeous then I wouldn’t be wandering around dreaming about you and your cock every spare minute that I have.”

I tried to look ashamed, but inside my heart was swelling full of pride. I had never thought that I would get to experience a love like this, but Barbara had shown me that I was loved and worthy of being loved. Each time she opened up to me and let me see her and touch her without fear and with love I felt more and more special. I was truly blessed to share my life with her.

“Good grief, I’ve managed to stun you into silence. Never thought that would happen. Perhaps we should record this event for prosperity.”

“Cheeky! I was just thinking actually.”

“Do you care to share?”

“I was thinking about how lucky I am to love you. How lucky I am to have you in my life. I didn’t know that I had a hole in my heart, a hole that you fit perfectly. I never thought that I was going to be able to share my life with someone the way I am sharing it with you.” I hooked one finger under her chin and gently drew her face closer to mine, “I am truly blessed to be loved by you.” I pressed my lips to hers, kissing her gently. “Right, I think you asked for some medication and some food, and I wouldn’t be doing my duty in looking after you and your wellbeing if I left you waiting any longer.” I stood up and headed towards the kitchen.

~*~

As Tommy clattered around in the kitchen I shuffled about in the chair, trying to get comfortable. My stitches were itching as much as my back was aching, and I was going out of my mind with frustration that I couldn’t tear off my dressings and scratch myself to oblivion. Tommy was doing a great job looking after me and keeping my spirits up, but when he walked away I could let the mask slip; I didn’t want him to know that I was struggling.

I tried to rub my back against the cushions, gritting my teeth as a wave of pain went through me, complaining bitterly at the abuse I was subjecting it to.

“What on earth are you doing Barbara?”

“Ooops, busted.”

He hurried to my side and crouched down beside me.

“What are trying to do?”

“Scratch my bloody back, it’s itching to buggery and driving me out of my mind.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I’ve been trying to grin and bear it; I didn’t want to keep moaning and complaining.”

“Don’t be silly; you need to talk to me, to tell me what is going on and what you need. You are recovering from major surgery; I don’t expect you to be full of the joys of spring every minute of the day. You’re allowed to be down; you’re allowed to ask for help. Please be honest with me Barbara. I need to know how you’re feeling so that I can know if it is part of your recovery or something more serious.”

“I’m sorry, I’m just loathe to keep on about how I’m feeling; I’m sounding like a hypochondriac to my own ears, God knows what I sound like to other people.”

“I’m not other people Barbara. Please don’t think that you have to keep anything hidden from me.”

“Is this where I have to promise to do the talking thing instead of trying to do the mind reading thing?”

“Barbara.”

There was a warning tone in his voice that I knew all too well.

“I know, I know, sorry. You know that sarcasm is one of my defence mechanisms, and old habits are hard to break.” I reached for his hand and held it between mine. “Never think that I don’t trust you, you are the one person in my life who I do trust completely, who I trusted with my life and still do. God Tommy, you mean the world to me, you are the one sane thing in my crazy mixed up world. I love you Tommy, I love you more than I can ever explain, can ever fully put into words. I would never intentionally lie to you; I just sometimes find it easier to keep things to myself. I’ve done the pity poor me diatribe thing before, and I’ve hated myself for it. Will you forgive me if sometimes I crawl back into my shell?”

“Oh Barbara, of course I will forgive you, but then you have to accept that sometimes, if it is for your own good or for your health, I am going to bully you into opening up and being honest with me. Please don’t ever hide anything about your health from me. Do we have a deal?”

I hooked one of my little fingers round one of his. “Pinkie swear. I promise I will do my best to tell you everything.”

His amused smile told me that I was forgiven. “I can’t ask for anything more. Now, how about I fill a hot water bottle with cold water and put that on your back, hopefully it will help and soothe some of the itching. Then I can get you that pain relief and you can have something to eat.”

“You’ve got yourself a deal.”

~*~

I had Barbara, fed, watered, dosed up, and lying in bed with a cold hot water bottle on her back. The drugs had completely knocked her out, and I knew that she would be resting if not really sleeping for a good few hours. I was happy with my life as it currently stood; I had more than I had had for a very long time.


	6. Chapter 6

It had taken three weeks for the stitches to come out of my back, but Tommy and I hadn’t waited that long before we had resumed finding pleasure in each other. As long as we were careful, and as long as I was on top or lying on my side, then my injuries really didn’t prevent us from doing everything that we had before. Tommy was insatiable; not that I was exactly complaining as he had awoken that beast in me too. We didn’t go a day without devouring each other sexually, and it was something that I was learning to enjoy. It definitely was different when you were with the right person.

I finally felt that my life was beginning to return to some semblance of normality. I was in a loving relationship with a man who completed me more than I had ever felt possible; my body was healing well and the counselling was helping my mind to do the same. I was back at work and it surprised me how easily I fell back into the routine; it felt as if I had never been away. 

They hadn’t managed to trace the man who had assaulted me, but I couldn’t let my mind spend too long on that, just as I couldn’t put my life on hold because of what ifs and maybes. I could either live in the past, or I could look to the future; that is what I chose to do.

Tommy and I were pretty much living together in his house. It wasn’t something that I had ever expected, I had believed that I would always be alone in the world, so to be in a loving and nurturing relationship was incredibly precious to me. 

~*~

It was a year since I had been attacked, and I knew that Tommy was worried; I loved him for it, but I had already decided that the anniversary was going to be something that I celebrated because of the positive things that happened to me that day and not the negative. My attacker had taken more than enough of my life, he certainly wasn’t going to be given any more of it. So much good had come from that awful day, and that was why I was making it a celebration.

I had a plan for the day that Tommy wasn’t privy to, something that I knew that he wouldn’t approve of, and that was to go to the place that I was raped and to go there alone. It was something that I needed to do. I had been there with Tommy and he had held my hand as I had faced my fears, but since I had been raped and beaten I had never been there by myself. I had discussed my intentions with my counsellor and she had understood why I needed to do what I had planned. She warned me that I might experience flashbacks but she also understood that it was something that I had to do alone and that there was absolutely no way that she could talk me out of it. Instead she gave me some coping strategies but I was convinced that I wouldn’t need them, I felt strong enough to do this, and I needed to do it because it was the final stage of my moving on with my life. I had to say goodbye to the old me, and the me that had been left after the attacks; I was a different person now, and I knew that there was no going back to either of the people that I had been. It was time to put a period after that point of my life and close the door on it for good.

I hoped that Tommy would be busy, I had been keeping an eye on his diary for a week leading up to the anniversary hoping that some major meeting would appear on it that would keep him occupied, but it was the day before the actual day when my prayers were finally answered. Tommy was going to be at Police Divisional Headquarters for most of the day for a meeting and a lunch. I had sent up a silent prayer of thanks for that small mercy, and had tried not to look too happy when he had come to say goodbye to me before heading off.

Come lunchtime I was parked in the very same car park that I had been in a year previously. My heart was thundering like an express train and I felt as if my skin was crawling, but I knew that these were just some of the anxiety signs that my counsellor and I had discussed. Breathing deeply, I locked the car, hoisted my bag onto my shoulder and headed off towards my ultimate destination.

I walked purposefully towards the cut-through where I had been battered to within an inch of my life all the while having an internal conversation with myself which was making me keep one foot moving in front of the other. I rounded the corner and there was my nemesis right in front of me. I didn’t hesitate, moving forward until my feet brought me to my journey’s end.

In my mind’s eye I could see myself lying beaten and battered on the floor, bloody and defeated and wishing that I could die. It was like watching a movie and I could see myself picking herself up off the floor and staggering off towards the car, barely able to walk but determined to make it through sheer bloody-mindedness if that was what it took. My head was filled with images of the attack but I didn’t fight them, this was the first time that I had really let the memories come; and they had to come if this was ever to end.

~*~

I had managed to get away from the meeting early, hoping to catch up with Barbara and have lunch with her. I was surprised to see her desk was empty; she very rarely went out, preferring to sit in my office and eat, so immediately my concern for her cranked up another notch. I tried to call her mobile, but it just rang and rang, eventually going to voicemail. I got even more panicky, totally convinced that there was something majorly wrong here. I went through her desk looking for clues, but there was nothing to give me any sort of a hint as to where she was and what she was doing. I mentally kicked myself for not sending my apologies and making sure that I stayed at CID. Now I was anxious, angry, and more than a little scared.

~*~

I could hear my phone ringing in my bag but I chose to ignore it; I didn’t care who it was, even if it was Tommy. I had to finish what I was doing; I had to make peace with what happened to me. I was aware that I was crying, but I chose to ignore that too, the silent tears were part of the healing, washing away the past and making room for my future with Tommy.

I had been so close to death here, so close to my life ending without ever knowing the love that I had now. I had been so blasé before, wandering around with my head metaphorically up my arse, but not anymore. Now I valued every single experience, and every single moment. I lived for my life with Tommy, he was the reason I was still alive.

I crouched down and ran my hand over the ground where I had lain as I had prayed for death to take me. It may have seemed a strange thing to say, but I had both died and been reborn on this spot at exactly the same time. My old life had been destroyed by the attacker, but from the ashes of that had come my new life, the life that I was living now. That said, I was a different person now to the one who had collapsed in Tommy’s office, and I was beginning to the love the person I had become because she was happier and had more of a life than the previous incarnations ever had. I may not have the perfect life, but it was perfect to me and I didn’t want to change a thing.

My phone rang again but I still wasn’t ready to speak to whoever it was that was calling me so persistently. I didn’t know how long it was going to take me to finish what I needed to do, but however long it was it was still something that I needed to do alone. I knew that Tommy would probably be furious with me, but his wrath was again something that I was prepared to deal with in order to move on with my life. I wasn’t just doing this for me; I was doing it for us.

~*~

I tried her number again while pacing angrily up and down my office. My blood pressure was going through the roof, and my mood didn’t bode well for anyone who might cross my path. Yet again her voicemail was the only thing that answered my call but I didn’t leave a message, I didn’t want to rant and rave at her however angry I was; this was a very emotional day for the both of us; if something had happened then I didn’t want to add to the stress that she might already be under.

I slumped into my chair and tried to distract myself by going through my emails, but my heart wasn’t really in it. I was worried sick and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. If there was one thing I couldn’t deal with it was feeling useless, and useless was exactly how I felt right now.

~*~

I glanced at my watch and saw that I had been standing in the cut-through for over an hour and a half. The memories had come in almost a landslide; things that I had locked away deep in my mind had been set free and I had been crying for almost all of that time. I rummaged through my bag, finding my compact and a tissue. Flipping the compact open and looking at myself in the small mirror I grimaced; I looked like the lovechild of Gene Simmons and Alice Cooper. Using the tissue, I did the best I could at repairing the damage my tears had done. I was fighting a losing battle, so I gave up and put the mirror and now destroyed tissue back in my bag and took out my phone. As I scrolled through the missed calls my heart sank. Recalling Tommy’s number, I pressed call and waited for it to connect.

~*~

My phone ringing snapped me out of my daydream. I snatched it up.

“Lynley.”

“Hi Tommy, it’s me.”

As soon as I heard her voice I could tell that she had been crying. My anger fled, all that mattered was that she was ok.

“Barbara? Where are you? Are you alright?”

“I’m fine, I’m sorry I didn’t answer your calls.”

“Be honest with me Barbara, I can tell from your voice that you’ve been crying.”

“Honestly Tommy, I’m fine. I just had to lay a few ghosts to rest.”

As soon as she said that I knew exactly where she was. “You went to the supermarket?”

“I did.”

“Why Barbara? Why did you go there without saying anything to me?”

“Because I knew that you would worry about me; because I knew that you wouldn’t like what I had planned; and because I needed to do this.”

“I don’t understand. You went back there with me; you faced your demons.”

“No I didn’t Tommy, I really didn’t. I took the first steps towards doing that, and I needed you by my side when I did; but I had to come back here alone; I had to close the door on this part of my life for once and for all. I’ve spent over an hour and a half here and I’ve remembered more about what happened, and I’ve cried over each and every single moment that I remembered, but I’m done with all of that now. At my last counselling session, I made a decision; on the anniversary of my attack I was going to come back to where it happened and put it to rest once and for all, after today that man is not getting one more second of my life. I also decided that after this the rest of the day would be a celebration; a celebration that I am still alive, that I am in a relationship with my best friend, the most wonderful man who I love with all of my heart, and that I made it through the worst day of my life and turned it into the best.”

“Are you still at the supermarket now?”

“Yes, why?”

“I’m coming over to join you. No arguments, I’ll get a cab and meet you there.”

I didn’t give her a chance to protest as I ended the call and then rang for a cab.

~*~

As I walked into the cut-through I saw Barbara standing there. I wasn’t being mean to say that she looked a wreck, but she had also never looked more beautiful. I hurried over to her side and pulled her into my embrace. She buried her head in my chest, her arms holding me close.

“Thank you for coming, but you really didn’t have to.”

I pulled back so that I could see her face. Bringing up one hand I cradled her face. “Of course I did. You’ve put your ghosts to rest and now is the time for us to start this celebrating that you were talking about.”

“The only celebrating that I want to do is with you, and I definitely don’t want to do it here. I’m done with this place; it’s in my past now; and you are my future.”

“Then let’s go and find your car and get out of here.”

“Finally, something we agree on.”

My arm wrapped firmly around her shoulder we headed off in the direction of the car.


End file.
